Like this:

I have an inner troll. Some writers call this critter an inner critic, but that’s too tame a concept for what I have to contend with.  My troll has an amazing repetoire of kindness, things like ‘that sucks’, ‘who do you think you are?’ ‘there’s no way anybody will read that’, and my favourite of its many sweetnesses, ‘god you’re stupid’. As I said, more troll than inner critic.

An inner critic might be useful on occasion, suggesting that you check your facts, your ideas, your writing style and make it all better. Not so the troll in my head. It just slings nasties.

Of course to have an inner troll you have to have a life where it can get a good toe hold, a life that has its share of low self esteem and the occasional personal disaster. The troll needs something to work with or it wouldn’t get the buy in I so clearly give it. Apparently I’m the troll’s pet, for it has lots to work with.

The troll needs to be at least distracted in order for me to get any work done. Its constant nattering and ‘kind’ reminders of my inadequacies otherwise paralyze me and all that the day brings instead of work accomplished is a frenetic approach/avoidance dance, which while it might count as aerobic exercise, doesn’t add up to tasks completed. I’ve not yet found anything that will distract the troll, its focus never seems to waver at all.

How does one go about troll herding and containment? Ah yes, if I could come up with a definitive answer to that question, no doubt millions of bits of pretty paper money would come my way.

Perhaps troll herding is the wrong image. What I may really need rather than any sort of engagement with the troll is to find good healthy ways to ignore it. Why, given that I have by my 6th decade, a certain list of accomplishments to my credit, do I persist in giving any attention to the troll? Ah yes, that’s easy, because like any other mortal, I have my portion of insecurities, and they are louder and more in my face when I sit down to write.

Some things I write, anything to do with personal history, seem to make those insecurities flare and the troll is only too happy to fan the flames. Nothing is harder to accept than a gleeful troll doing its happy dance. So not pretty.  If it starts roasting marshmallows, I’m out of here!

Alright then, I need to figure out how to ignore or maybe accept the troll. There are a number of ways I could do that. I could chant affirmations, but for me that seems to give the troll too much good material to sling back at me as the opposite. Case in point: if I affirm that I am an accomplished writer (note, not good–oh no, never do I say THAT) then the troll comes back with: ‘you’ve accomplished zilch, two books, 5 manuscripts, nada, nothing, and all of that worthless’.  Ah, the kindness of my troll knows no bounds.

So, what if I learn to accept the troll as a fact of my life, perhaps see it as a balance so there is less risk I over-inflate my wee ego and get all arrogant and weird. Okay, that’s a possibility I haven’t given much air time yet. I could try that. I’ll let you know how it goes.

How do you manage your inner critic or troll?

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